Five Ways Of Surviving Thanksgiving

By Camilo Echeverri Bernal on November 28, 2014

It’s officially here. With Turkey Day on the 27th, and Christmas ’round the corner, it truly cannot be averted. It’s a flood of lights and Christmas celebrations that is heralded by pumpkin stuff and changing leaves.

There is stuffing and dead birds which are ceremoniously consumed by everyone. It is really quite gruesome and bizarre, because an entire culture is under the pretense that such a time of year in which we ought to give thanks for all we have should allow this kind of barbarism.

Wherever you might be this time of year–whether with friends or with family–it is unlikely that all those around you will be as cognizant and aware as to have switched to vegan-ism.

Maybe some are vegetarians, though it is hard to tell, as vegetarians and vegans are sometimes lumped together and counted as one entity, which is frankly quite insulting to vegans.

You will be asked the most irksome of questions concerning your protein intake, whether plants have feelings, and whether you miss the taste of animal carcasses or not.

So, allow me to give you five ways of surviving thanksgiving and the Holidays.

1) Turn their question on them.

So, your favorite aunt or uncle, seeing how you just brought some of your Tofurky and are currently slicing it, decides to pull you aside and asks “Say, how is it you don’t crave meat anymore?” Which, of course, is a question you haven’t heard five thousand times before.

But you indulge them and take a deep breath. Deep enough to maybe even leave the room devoid of oxygen. But you are not greedy.

You take a moment and choose the least sarcastic or condescending tone, because you like to not have your mother or father on your back, or worse yet, come off as deeply misanthropic–which you might be at this point.

“Well,” you say. “I just think about it this way: If I am not capable of killing the animal myself, why would I pay someone else to do it for me? Besides, what has the poor creature ever done to me?” You finish with a smile and watch as that light-bulb goes off, or instead you are met with incredulity.

In either instance, you may excuse yourself and go bask in the fact that you are not paying for the slaughter of another sentient being.

image via https://www.tumblr.com

2) Tell them about your vegan superpowers.

There will come a time during dinner that you will be asked about your protein intake. Smile about that and groan on the inside. That one does not even register anymore. Maybe you have learned to block out such questions. But you could also have fun with it.

“Hey, Billy, how is it you’re not looking awful since going vegan?” They will inquire further. “Well, since you ask, it’s my vegan superpowers.” They might look at you weird, or even laugh. They will inquire further, perhaps.

“Yeah; telepathy and psychokinesis. I can also play music really well. My favorite power is not killing billions of animals every year.”

Again, a smirk, a grin, or a smile are a must to soften your clearly acrid words. It will make whomever asked the question probably cringe a moment.

But it will get the job done.

image via https://www.tumblr.com/

3) Just plain comment on their food.

Sometimes, a little honesty goes a long way. And though Thanksgiving should be all about giving thanks and being close to the ones we love and cherish, we should also be able to be frank. And maybe a little blunt.

We should not sugarcoat the slaughter process that turkeys and pigs undergo, for starters.

“Would you like to give thanks, Camilo?” They would ask. And I, or you, if your name is Camilo, or whatever your name may be, would in return say:

“Certainly. I would like to give thanks because I am not the one served for human consumption. I did not have my throat slit and watched as my fellow turkeys were dipped in boiling water and de-feathered whilst probably still conscious. I am thankful I did not drown, nor was pummeled and stomped on.”

That will make them shift uncomfortably.

4) Change the topic of conversation.

Whenever you are around non-vegans or non-vegetarians, the moment you mention vegetarianism or veganism is the moment every single meat-eater (read carnist) will approach you and interrogate you.

You can either spend your evening trying to convince everyone that animals have emotions and that plants don’t, or you can play Jedi mind-tricks.

For example, your cousin just brought up  something about your diet.

“Hey, Camilo, so, like … do you miss bacon?” Because you know every bit of their arsenal is made of bacon, apparently.

“Well, funny you should mention that because I don’t, but have you seen the latest (insert film title here)?” Just know their taste in films and watch them be completely distracted. Vegan mind tricks.

As we know, carnists function on meat and bad research. They also love their TV.

image via https://www.facebook.com

5) Bury the turkey or the ham.

People bury their pets. We bury our loved ones. We do not eat them. All are made of flesh, but we should not consume some and cherish others, should we? No.

Therefore, as a last resort I suggest taking the turkey or ham, or turducken and after having fought against a horde of hungry carnists, you can take it to the back yard and once you dig a hole for it, dump it in, say a few words and then flee the country.

Remind them their practices are immoral. This season should not be an excuse to slaughter sentient beings.

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